SQUASH SHOTS XXI

The “Mickies” Awards for 2018

It’s been a turbulent year. Tournaments and leagues continue to have success across the board, but overall numbers dropped this year to pre-assistant-pro times. Hardly a surprising consequence that some programs have suffered, but once the void is filled, the squash engine will once again be chugging along at full kilter. Nonetheless, we cannot forget - and in fact we must stand up - stomp on the tables with our heads held high beating on our chests, chanting obnoxiously and annoyingly loud our war-rally-cries and rubbing the noses of our adversaries deep in the crevices of conquest: the Farris Cup (v BAC); the Cross Border Challenge (v Windsor) and the Aubrey Cup (v Midwest Athletic Clubs). Be proud of the scalps we so feverishly earned!

And be proud of the ignominious photos taken this year and the ones that have merited that very exclusive mention for the entirely and unequivocally useless “Mickies” Awards for 2018…!

The “Face-Off” award goes to… Jed Elley, Ryan Covell, John Rakolta and George Kordas!

Think Conor McGregor is scary? Nothing tops the look of pure conviction, self-determination, and fearlessness than these four lads as they geared up for the Club Championships Doubles final. Or is it more a look of panic-stricken pre-match jitters? Some may even say its puppy-love with a hint of suggestive fondness. Whatever the reason for the deep-in-the-eyes-(soul?)-stare-down, The Jed-Co (Jed Elley and Ryan Covell) v Blue Chips (George Kordas and John Rakolta) rivalry cemented another chapter in their esteemed history of doubles magic. Jed-Co won this round 3-1.

Since the Blue Chips can’t seem to beat them on the doubles court anymore, they challenged Jed-Co in the summer to a round of golf thinking there would be no way they would lose to them in 2 sports, right? Wrong. Clearly a bad move, they underestimated their golfing prowess and were once again forced to feast on humble pie as victory was clinched by Jed-Co on the 17^th hole. Are the Blue Chips turning into Blue Mash-Potato?

The “So Long and Thanks for All the Fish” award goes to… Corey Kabot!

Seen this guy? He used to work here. Once again, I have to resort to carrying my own squash bag, parking my own car, and enduring the Handball complaints directly. Even though his DAC career was a short 3 years, he left a lasting legacy with the membership and all the staff that had to ‘deal’ with him on a daily basis. He has left big shoes to fill, which I wish he come back and pick those shoes up as they stink up the office.

So influential was he on the membership that they constantly interrogate me on why we haven’t found a replacement for him. Well, rest assured, we have all the scientists on the job trying to clone the young man and if that doesn’t work, I’ve also sent out Bilbo Baggins all the way from the Shire on a quest to find what appears to be the impossible: a quality candidate. Apparently, Corey was rather unique. Who’d have thunk that?

The Finalist in this category goes to… Steve Brown!

And who won’t miss this big fella? Steve’s stint at the DAC was shorter than Corey’s but it didn’t take him long to entrench himself firmly in the squash family, create all sorts of rivalries (right, Ryan MacVoy?), be a master of the trash talk, the lob serve, the reverse boast, and the scotch glass. We will all miss his quick wit (except maybe Ryan) and his unwavering support of our squash program. He left us in the best way possible – an exhibitionist type win over his greatest nemesis at the DAC – Ryan MacVoy – taking the honors in this year’s Keg Challenge. This is the after match photo of that historic evening. Notice how many of our members cannot even place their drinks down for even a couple of minutes.

Steve is trekking south back to St. Louis but will be keeping his DAC membership as a non-resident. We will see him come back in February for our coveted DAC Classic where no doubt the organizer will find it awfully hilarious to have Steve play Ryan MacVoy first round at peak time on the main court. Zac MacVoy can ref.

The “You’re Never Too Young” award goes to… Baby Ellison!

Nothing like living your own professional sports dreams through your children! Brian Ellison couldn’t quite cut it on the professional squash circuit, probably because he didn’t start young enough, right? Nothing to do with a multitude of other factors of course… Anyhoo, children are like sponges and the sooner they start, the sooner they’ll pick it up. I have heard of kids starting squash as young as 3 years of age, but this one couldn’t even wait that long! At 7 days old, Baby Ellison is already dreaming big. Notice his eyes are closed not because he’s napping, but because he’s envisioning his future racquet expertise, imaging winning the final of the World Championship 12-10 in the 5^th on the perfect overhead volley nick, fantasizing all the fame and fortune that will be showered on him by being the biggest legend in the history of the game, praying that his athleticism has been inherited from his mother or a distant relative…

Strange that he hasn’t signed up for lessons yet. I think Brian is scared his son will beat him sooner rather than later?

SQAUSH SHOTS XX

The “Mickies” Awards for 2017

It just keeps and getting bigger. Critical mass must be close before something gives, there is only so much space that one can jam all the squash players into. Some have mentioned the spill should leak onto the racquetball / handball courts, but I for one hardly want to pick that battle as I value my life a little too much. As the desperation pleas for more court space pulsates through the racquet swinging membership, the future is looking bright – at least the club is talking about it. We will have to wait and see what decisions are forthcoming, so in the meantime, let’s look to the past… specifically the last 12 months and expose the more mortifying moments caught on I-phone. I-present to you the winners of this year’s 2017 senseless “Mickies” awards!

The “I’ve Hit Rock Bottom” award goes to… Scott Beals!

 

What’s a hero without its nemesis? A Superman without his Lex Luthor? A Batman without the Joker? The Michigan Wolverines without the Buckeyes? A Scott Beals without his Jerry Rock? Could this be the biggest mental hurdle to overcome in all of sports? For the life of him, Scott simply cannot figure out a way to combat Jerry-the-Rock-Lobster. How does someone twice your age, half your speed, and a quarter your power have the upper hand? You would think that after whiffing the Jerry Rock snow-making lob for the 10^th time, or getting caught flat-footed on the backhand-back-corner-flick-cross-court-drop-shot for the 17^th time, one would make an adjustment or two. I see lessons in Scott’s near future. That being said, I need to give Jerry a lot of credit. Of all the names that come up from members seeking advice on how to beat someone, his name comes up more than anyone.

The “This is a Banana” award goes to… Manny Tancer!

This is a Banana. Some people may tell you that it is apple. They may scream “Apple! Apple! Apple!” over and over again. They might put “apple” in all caps. You may even start to believe it is an apple. But it’s not. It’s a banana.  The Zorro is a distraction. The Zorro will also never change the fact that this is still a banana. Fruit first.

I cannot imagine how uncomfortable is was to play squash in a banana suit but I’m sure it would have been hilarious to watch. Zorro on the other hand (Matt DiDio) didn’t seem to be exceedingly effective either (thankfully) as I did not see any capital ‘Z’s etched into our walls leaving his trademark insignia for all of us to know he was there. 

The “Any Last Words” award goes to… Colin Bayer!

Now, this I do not condone. And thankfully no one was (too) hurt by this action. But Colin can only blame himself for this hare-brained stunt. To explain how this came about, Colin bet that he could shoot a round of golf under 100 otherwise he would let a player drill him with the squash ball from the back of the court. Apparently, Colin is not a seasoned golfer and was somewhat uninformed of how golf scoring actually works. Needless to say the 100 shot mark was reached with plenty of holes to play. I don’t know what Colin would have received had he indeed succeeded with the wager but it better have been worth putting your body on the line for. Colin stands there like he is being lined up for execution, not sure the towel is to protect his head from an errant impact or from the shame. Luckily for him, the ball only ‘grazed’ him on the back and very little damage was done. It could have been worse… like this: CameronPilley (prepare yourself… this hurts just watching it! May not be suitable for all viewers)

The “Pour Me a Drink” award goes to… Vikram Chopra!

Sometimes, we all need a friend to help us along. Especially when we are injured. For example, for the Club Championship final this year, Vikram was nursing a foot injury and after the match had to ice it up. (Disclaimer: this in no way undermines Jed’s victory.) Now, a friend may have been needed to help him get the ice, or help him up the stairs, or help him get changed in the locker room (!?). But George Kordas felt he was in need in help of drinking. From a distance. Logically… I mean who wouldn’t? Nothing like the intake of strong liquor to ease the pain from 2 feet above your face. Like a seasoned veteran, Vikram lapped up most of the liquid, spilling only a few drops showing us that he has clearly done this multiple times before. Why? Who knows? But can’t have enough skills in life, eh, Vikram?

SQUASH SHOTS XIX

The “Mickies” Awards for 2016

Congratulations to you all! The 2016 squash program has broken all court usage records, broken the amount of kegs consumed in one year, broken the record of how many racquets were destroyed, and broke your squash pro for a number of weeks as well. Thankfully our back-up pro took up the slack like the trooper he is, although one must question his sanity after having a full season of handball leagues behind him as well.

So it’s that special time of year when we all reflect back on our achievements for the past 12 months, and I can unceremoniously cause some mental discomfort to those who have made the 2016 cut for the utterly valueless “Mickies” Awards. Please make sure you seek out this year’s winners and salute their dedication to the cause.

The “Upset of the Year” award goes to… George Kordas and John (JR) Rakolta!

There were 3 major upsets in world news for 2016. First, Brexit shocked the European Union with Great Britain choosing to remove itself from their mainland neighbors, then Donald Trump bamboozled all of humanity proving you can literally say anything and insult anyone you like and still win the Presidency. But those two events were a far cry compared to who won the 2016 DAC Doubles Club Championships. On the way to the title, George and JR knocked off the multiple winners Kirk Haggarty and Mike Eugenio - but that was no flash in the pan! During the final, JR literally put his body on the line, receiving a racquet flush in the chin that required medical attention and stitches, and then a ball in the backside later on that still hasn’t been located since. A historic win, JR wasn’t again seen on court again until last week as he left for a celebratory tour around the country.

 

The “Ayrton Senna” award goes to… Vikram Chopra!

You want speed? Vikram’s racquet head speed is impressive enough as he waves it around before every shot like a Musketeer, then whipping it around and cracking the ball harder than most. But his ‘need for speed’ is mostly satiated with this very unique roadster of his that looks like a Formula One racing car. Called an “Ariel Atom”, Vikram took this baby to London, Ontario, for our annual summer doubles day with their members.

I politely declined the offer to ride with him, I wasn’t in a death-defying mood at the time. When we had pulled out onto the highway in our ‘normal’ vehicle, Vikram was already half way to London with Greg Rivard in the passenger seat, clenching his lower cheeks and doing his best not to lose the skin off his face. Vikram was not happy having to clean that seat when they arrived.

The “Photo-Bomb” award goes to… Bob Rogers!

The women’s squash contingent has been steadily increasing this year. I always say, with more women playing, we’d have more men. I had the perfect photo-op with 4 of our attractive female players when who else but Bob Rogers decided to pop up behind the scene and spoil the beautification. So incensed with his action, the club banished him to somewhere in the Carolinas where he can better study gender equality. Bob is still playing squash down there but dearly misses the DAC and is no doubt dreaming of his past better squash times. Bob was a big help with that record breaking keg consumption.

In all seriousness, we do miss Bob who was a great supporter of the program and was a constant tester of the solidity of our court walls. 

The “Most Hideously Beautiful Sweater” award goes to… Patrick Petz!

 

When it comes to colorful fashion, Patrick Petz is no stranger. Shame and embarrassment is not part of his world, Patrick is ready to display anything and everything, rivaling even the most flamboyant ensembles from our good friend Sante Fratarcangeli. Here we see Patrick in what looks like an ordinary pretentious Christmas sweater, but on closer inspection you will notice the couple of squash players posing with their racquets up high. Suddenly, what on the surface appears to be repulsive, turns into a work of art that every passionate squash player should have hanging proudly in their wardrobes. Patrick has once again led the way and earned another shout out for a “Mickies” award.