HOUSE OF WINDSOR

Windsor Tournament - Mar 27-29

Hello chaps. I hope you are sitting tightly and sipping your earl grey and nibbling on your scones. Let me have a wee chinwag with you. In this grave hour, perhaps the most fateful in our jolly history - (or not) - I send to every household of my dearest squash peoples, both the east-siders and the rest, this dreadful message, spoken with the same depth of feeling for each one of you as if I were able to cross your threshold and speak to you myself.

For the second time this season we are in a piffle. Over and over again we have practiced and practiced our skills, tried to find a easier way to prove ourselves against our fellow comrades and those cheeky fellows who are across the frozen river. But it has been utter nonsense. Codswallop! We have been forced into a barney. For we have been called upon, with our squash racquets, to meet the challenge of a beloved friend which, if it they were to prevail, would be rather unfair to any civilized order in our utopian DAC world.

The Windsorites are quite potty. Silly muppets they are. Now I know it’s everyone’s cup of tea, that in the selfish pursuit of squash power, popping over the border for a little tickle is just what the ruddy doctor ordered! This is no time to chuck a wobbly or get your knickers in a twist! Don’t be a daft twit! You’ll have a cracking good time. And far more than this - the lads and lasses of the squash world would be kept in the bondage of social perfection, and all hopes of the security of squash sports-world domination and liberty among nations will be upheld.

This is the ultimate issue which confronts us. If you fancy a jolly good scrum, for the sake of all that we ourselves hold dear, it is unthinkable that we should refuse to meet the challenge.

It is to this high purpose that I now call my DAC people at home and across the snow-ravaged land, who will make our cause their own. I ask them to stand calm, firm, and united in this dodgy time of a kerfuffle. Stiff upper lip, I say! The task will be hard, you may get knackered. Frankly, I’d be gobsmacked if you didn’t meet the ordeal head on! There may be dark days ahead, and squash can no longer be confined to the DAC walls. Not to worry if you find yourself in a sticky wicket or a titchy bit squiffy, but we can only do the right as we see the right, and reverently commit our cause to commanding the ‘T’. If one and all we keep resolutely faithful to it, ready for whatever service or sacrifice it may demand, then, with relentless practice, we shall prevail.

So, have a squizz at the poster, and send in your interest to their squash pro - Graeme Williams. Graeme is a jolly fine chap if ever there was one.

Well then. Cheerio, toddle off, get on your bike, Bob’s yer uncle, and may the best of the Yankee Doodle Dandies be with you. That’s the spirit!