SQAUSH SHOTS XX

The “Mickies” Awards for 2017

It just keeps and getting bigger. Critical mass must be close before something gives, there is only so much space that one can jam all the squash players into. Some have mentioned the spill should leak onto the racquetball / handball courts, but I for one hardly want to pick that battle as I value my life a little too much. As the desperation pleas for more court space pulsates through the racquet swinging membership, the future is looking bright – at least the club is talking about it. We will have to wait and see what decisions are forthcoming, so in the meantime, let’s look to the past… specifically the last 12 months and expose the more mortifying moments caught on I-phone. I-present to you the winners of this year’s 2017 senseless “Mickies” awards!

The “I’ve Hit Rock Bottom” award goes to… Scott Beals!

 

What’s a hero without its nemesis? A Superman without his Lex Luthor? A Batman without the Joker? The Michigan Wolverines without the Buckeyes? A Scott Beals without his Jerry Rock? Could this be the biggest mental hurdle to overcome in all of sports? For the life of him, Scott simply cannot figure out a way to combat Jerry-the-Rock-Lobster. How does someone twice your age, half your speed, and a quarter your power have the upper hand? You would think that after whiffing the Jerry Rock snow-making lob for the 10^th time, or getting caught flat-footed on the backhand-back-corner-flick-cross-court-drop-shot for the 17^th time, one would make an adjustment or two. I see lessons in Scott’s near future. That being said, I need to give Jerry a lot of credit. Of all the names that come up from members seeking advice on how to beat someone, his name comes up more than anyone.

The “This is a Banana” award goes to… Manny Tancer!

This is a Banana. Some people may tell you that it is apple. They may scream “Apple! Apple! Apple!” over and over again. They might put “apple” in all caps. You may even start to believe it is an apple. But it’s not. It’s a banana.  The Zorro is a distraction. The Zorro will also never change the fact that this is still a banana. Fruit first.

I cannot imagine how uncomfortable is was to play squash in a banana suit but I’m sure it would have been hilarious to watch. Zorro on the other hand (Matt DiDio) didn’t seem to be exceedingly effective either (thankfully) as I did not see any capital ‘Z’s etched into our walls leaving his trademark insignia for all of us to know he was there. 

The “Any Last Words” award goes to… Colin Bayer!

Now, this I do not condone. And thankfully no one was (too) hurt by this action. But Colin can only blame himself for this hare-brained stunt. To explain how this came about, Colin bet that he could shoot a round of golf under 100 otherwise he would let a player drill him with the squash ball from the back of the court. Apparently, Colin is not a seasoned golfer and was somewhat uninformed of how golf scoring actually works. Needless to say the 100 shot mark was reached with plenty of holes to play. I don’t know what Colin would have received had he indeed succeeded with the wager but it better have been worth putting your body on the line for. Colin stands there like he is being lined up for execution, not sure the towel is to protect his head from an errant impact or from the shame. Luckily for him, the ball only ‘grazed’ him on the back and very little damage was done. It could have been worse… like this: CameronPilley (prepare yourself… this hurts just watching it! May not be suitable for all viewers)

The “Pour Me a Drink” award goes to… Vikram Chopra!

Sometimes, we all need a friend to help us along. Especially when we are injured. For example, for the Club Championship final this year, Vikram was nursing a foot injury and after the match had to ice it up. (Disclaimer: this in no way undermines Jed’s victory.) Now, a friend may have been needed to help him get the ice, or help him up the stairs, or help him get changed in the locker room (!?). But George Kordas felt he was in need in help of drinking. From a distance. Logically… I mean who wouldn’t? Nothing like the intake of strong liquor to ease the pain from 2 feet above your face. Like a seasoned veteran, Vikram lapped up most of the liquid, spilling only a few drops showing us that he has clearly done this multiple times before. Why? Who knows? But can’t have enough skills in life, eh, Vikram?

FIRST HALF HONORS GOES TO…

Boasters League Final round first half~~

Butter Nutz’ lead proved too big in the end. The last week bye notwithstanding, they still picked up 20 points in makeup matches which was more than enough to hold off the surging Mongoose who would have ended up first with their 47 points had Butter Nutz remained completely idle. But hats off to Vivio’s. Seems to be becoming a trend that one team decides to find inspiration in the final few days and although it’s leaving the impetus way too late, the 66 points they scored must be close to a record for one week. They jumped 3 places to third overall. In other news, the Nicker Ballers had been last since round 3, but somehow they managed to avoid ending up there as they moved ahead of the Wardogs relegating them to the wooden spoon status.

Overall, this half season was respectable. You can make your own opinions about that based on the list of stats below:

• 82% of matches were completed for the first half. Good – but not great. The record was set last year with 85%. 
• Butter Nutz played the most matches with 90%. Not a record either. Winky-Dinks had 91% for the first half last year. Their 300 points is also 2 points shy of the record. 
• Paddy’s Dropshots played the least amount of matches with 76%. 
• Best winning percentage goes to Vivio’s with 62%. If Vivio’s had played the same amount of matches as Butter Nutz they may have ended up first. 
• Lowest winning percentage was Winky-Dinks with 38%. 
• Mongoose had the most bonus points with 108. With an average of 13.5 a week, that accounts for 38% of their total. Butter Nutz were second with 97. 
• Least amount of bonus points goes to Paddy’s Dropshots with 60. That’s low. 
• 20 players picked up all 8 bonus points. 5 of those played for Mongoose. 4 players didn’t pick up any. 
• The most points picked up in any one round was Butter Nutz. They scored 45 points in rounds 5 and 6. The least amount was in Round 9 by the Nicker Ballers with 17. 
• 36 players completed their 8 matches. Not even close to the record. 
• Of those 36, 3 players went undefeated: Jed Elley (Vivio’s); Zac MacVoy (Foss Nation); and Tripp Kennedy (Paddy’s Dropshots). Jed and Tripp Also scored the most individual points overall with 29. 
• The most anyone scored on the Butter Nutz team was 22 (Brendan Hanley). Just goes to show what a true team effort it was. 
•  All 17 matches in any one round were completed twice.

So, not record numbers, but still a pretty impressive to say the least. Now, I need a little time to painstakingly go through everyone’s results and see if they need to be moved up or down or stay put. Some players will be removed, some players will have to move team, some players will be happy to see where they end up for the second half and no doubt some players will not. I am in the unfortunate position of not being able to please everyone, so I apologize in advance, don’t take it personally. Either way, we should in store for a bumper second half as the league gets serious. Be ready to play. Your team needs to be in the top 6 positions by the end of round 9 if you wish to be a part of the finals!

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A KEG

Hops Challenge – December 20, 2017

I wonder what the reaction would be of all the squash players in the club woke up on Christmas morning and found a full beer keg wrapped in a bow underneath the tree. That Christmas miracles do exist? That Santa Claus is one strong fat old man? That, gee, maybe I do have a problem? Careful what we wish for I suppose…

Since the above scenario is absolute fantasy (at least for most of us, I believe!) we may as well offer close to the next best thing. No, no, I’m not talking about a free lifetime subscription to Netflix either. I am talking about a few free drinks (beers) at the expense of one of your fellow members! Nothing more satisfying that imbibing totally gratis while playing your favorite sport, right? Ho! Ho! Ho! Hic!

To be a part of the drink-tivities, just let me know you are interested and I will do my best to match you up with a player of your own level. The match itself won’t mean much except that I will enter it into the on-line rankings (or we can use it as a box ladder score), and it’s the perfect excuse to build up the craving for that extra cup or two of complimentary liquid gold. Your guilty conscience (or not) may be begging the question, “which kind soul has offered up this extraordinarily generous gesture of this sacrosanct amber fluid?” Well, no one has offered it all. The loser of the feature match will be punished with the expense:

“Let’s get ready to rummmmmmbllllle….!

In the right corner, weighing in at 225 pounds depending on what day you ask him, residing in downtown Detroit, close enough where he should technically never be late or miss any DAC appointment or booking, has destroyed more $200 Harrow racquets than the entire College Squash Association combined, coming in with a 2017 record of 19 wins and 18 losses, the world’s-most-poorer-golf-scorer, the squash-craver-head-shaver… COLIN – “watch-out-for-my-deceptive-forehand-drop-shot” – BAYER!!

And…

In the left corner, weighing in at an unmistakable 199.9 pounds on a good day, residing in the carefree rolling esplanades of the Grosse Pointe bubble, never having to actually leave the confines of the protective neighborhood unless his better half sends him out to run some “errands”, recently coming off his best tennis victory of his career this summer after beating up on an 11 year old girl, the top-spinner-drop-winner, the squash-menace-screw-tennis, JC – “I’m-going-to-be-all-over-Colin’s-forehand-dropshot-like-a-rash” – TIBBITTS!!

Now, these two have played a whole bunch of times. In fact, we have 36 recorded scores between the two and JC has won 22 of them. And of the 36 results, only 5 of them were 3-0 so we should be in for a real treat. And plenty of trash talking. And some action on the side no doubt as well. I hear Colin’s aptitude of taking bets is a con-man’s dream.

If you wish to play, make sure you register with me no later than December 18. Matches will start at 4pm, we’ll try to get a couple of doubles matches up and running as well. Feature show-down should be around 7pm.