Thursday, April 18, 2013


Creatures of the Squash Universe – Part 2

(See Part 1 here.)
Returning from my treacherous almost-2-year trek, I have been able to unearth more fascinating organisms to tantalize the mind and fascinate the senses. Their one thing in common is their peculiarity, whether placid or deadly, all show unique traits never before understood or revealed. Until now…

Complimentius ad Nauseum 
Glass half full? This beast’s glass is overflowing. No matter what the situation entails, whether it is winning or losing, playing well or poorly, nothing rattles it’s cage. It showers their opponents with abundant praise for every shot, rally, effort, and even mistake. Winning is certainly not a priority and how this animal hasn’t gone the way of the dinosaur is another one of life’s enigmas. Theorists speculate they since they are so repulsively friendly, they spark sympathy and are rewarded with mercy. Other hypotheses advocate it is in reality an abnormally clever attack sequence. By actually lulling its prey into a false sense of security, it can then pounce in for the kill. However, no one can claim witness to such an act.

Racquetus Whackus Disintegratii
Squash can frustrate the best of us, and taking out ones anger on inanimate objects can be a satisfying and soothing solution. However, most are able to control that urge. Racquetus Whackus Disintegratii cannot. Never totally satisfied with its performance, any error, any lucky shot by its opponent, any referee call, can ignite this brute into an uncontrollable rage. Not much is needed to initiate the obliteration of its racquet. Although belting it unmercifully against the floor or walls is the most common form of demolition, seeing it fly at light-speed from one end of the court to the other is not unheard of. Once it has reached this level of fury, its enemies smell blood and dispatching him becomes a straightforward process. Some Racquetus Whackus Disintegratii are able to mutate into more placid creatures like Complimentius ad Nauseum but only when their escapades threaten their financial livelihood.

Mathematiclus Challengeum
By all accounts, this animal is about as normal as you can find. It is not overly violent and does not project any obvious threatening attributes. However, Mathematiclus Challengeum’s claim to fame here is the very subtle – but effective – score change. Timing is everything when one is fighting for survival and this creature is at its deadliest when the match is strenuous, long, and particularly exhausting. When it’s victim least expects it, usually after a lung-bursting rally, the beast will announce the score but either add one point to its own total, or taking one off its opponents. With a quick serve to nullify any counter-attack, the strike has been made and very often the victim is not even aware it has been bitten. The method is used multiple times in one match so even if only half the attacks are successful, it still gains an advantage.

Fashionista Ridiculii
This is one of the more irrational organisms I came across in the study. When one submerses themselves into the gladiatorial arena of the squash court, with the expectation that severe physical exertion will occur and blood will be spilled, how one looks should be the last thing on one’s mind. Standard of play is irrelevant here; this being pops up at all levels. It is incredibly easy to distinguish by its trendy clothing, well-known brand names, and matching color all the way from the shoes to the headband to the racquet strings and grip. Much time is spent (wasted) before the match starts to make sure everything is in place, every hair is combed properly, stripes are matches up, and any fashion faux pas are avoided. Even during the matches, it will constantly look at its reflection in the glass wall and adjust and correct any deviations from its perception of fashion perfection. It is important to take note, however, that Fashionista Ridiculii are all males. How they multiply is unknown, but the hypothesis is that they adopt offspring of other species and assimilate them. The equivalent females of this species are anything but ridiculous when kitted out in the same manner and are classified as Eyepoppingus Sweetcandium. They have never been known to mate with Fashionista Ridiculii.

Helicopterus Guilloteenum
One of the more dangerous predators in the squash cosmos. Entirely unpredictable, one has to be on alert at all times if you ever cross paths with one. Helicopterus Guilloteenum’s number one weapon is its capacity to expand its wingspan to almost unfathomable lengths at a blitzing speed. Victims constantly find themselves ducking out of the way and even hitting the floor in order to avoid the thrashing blades and in turn are left utterly defenseless. The wearing of eye-guards for protection here is totally inadequate as one needs full Kevlar body armor with matching helmet. So treacherous are these creatures there are orders to shoot on site if spotted at a professional event.

Selfoverratem Doublesii
A conniving animal and somewhat irritating to its peers, Selfoverratem Doublesii lacks the ability to look at itself in the mirror. It simply cannot accept the fact that their perceived strength is nowhere near their actual strength. At every opportunity, it will enter into battlegrounds where it is obvious to everyone (except itself) it is categorically out of its depth. It is in essence a shrewd strategy since they always pair themselves up with a stronger partner and any loss is immediately blamed on them. Victories are distastefully then bragged about even though they only occur in spite of their lack of skill rather than because of it. These life forms are seldom seen on the singles court since they have no one they can heap the fault onto when they lose. To amplify aggravation levels, during tournament season Selfoverratem Doublesii will undergo a metamorphosis and transform itself into Selfunderratem Doublesii and only beat up on lesser adversaries. This is commonly known as “sandbagging”.

Protestum Neverendus
Competitiveness is profoundly ingrained with this one. This life form can be found at all levels, but the percentages of them increase as you move up the rankings. Once they have tasted some form of success, an uncontrollable addictive chemical reaction takes place in their brains and no argument is too petty to tackle. Sometimes confused with Letcallum Perpetuum, it does not however ask for interference at every opportunity, Protestum Neverendus will simply argue about interference at every opportunity, often violently – no matter how illogical their reasoning is. It is because of these creatures that the myths of the squash rules exist, since they will simply invent stuff up to justify their case. Curiously, off the court it immediately camouflages into the background giving the innocent bystanders no idea of its true identity.

It has been an exhausting adventure. Filled with dangers and wonders it indisputably keeps the universe of squash enthralling and captivating. There are no doubt more species yet to be discovered, maybe sometime in the future these too will be exposed.

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