THE SQUASH POET #13

We all have fantasies of what it would be like to be the best at something. The good life that goes with it, the adoring fans, the money, the fame. But as we all know, nothing comes easy in life and to be a world dominator, the sacrifice required to get there is too much except for the dedicated few. And, even with such sacrifices, most people still won’t reach that pinnacle of success. In fact since 1998, in the squash world only 11 men have reached world number 1 and since 2001, only 8 women. As fans we only get to see the finished product when we watch them play tournaments, we really do not understand what it takes for them to perform as they do. Nor does the Squash Poet.
 

I know I can, it’s not just a dream

That one day I’ll rule the squash world supreme
I’ll be a legend, earn all the glory
Be so impressive I’ll skip purgatory
The wish is there, I have all the desire
To be synonymous with a squash empire
The love and rewards to be forever on me raining
Now… How do I get there without the training?

The Squash Poet

 

 

I Wanna be a Squash Pro

(Sung to the tune of “Rock Star” by Nickelback.)

I’m through with being a club hack, losing to fat and old men

They run me around ‘til I drop, over and over again

My squash hasn’t turned out quite the way I want it to be

  

I want to hit the nick with an Egyptian flair

Be cool and sexy without messin’ my hair

And beat up on Ramy to be home in time for tea.

  

I’ll need a full time coach – you better make it two

To get my ass in shape, a fitness guru

And for all the luck I need, a top influential high priest

  

I want more World titles than both the Khans

Woo all my girl fans with my manly charms

Have sponsors lined up throwing all their money at me

  

I’m gonna buy a graphite racquet and squash shoes,

And think about cutting down on my booze…

  

Chorus:

‘Cause all I wanna be is a big squash pro,

Playing on the glass court wherever I go,

Winning all my matches with grace and ease

Slotting magic winners whenever I please

And I’ll rewrite all the history books

As the greatest ever plus the gorgeous looks

They’ll make a separate wing in the Hall of Fame

The gold statues inside will all bear my name

…

Hey, hey I wanna be a Squash Pro

Hey, hey I wanna be a Squash Pro

  

I want power like Pilley and be the hardest hitter

Make Nick Matthew look weak ‘cause I’ll be fitter

And Miguel will think he’s slow comparing his speed to me

  

I’ll gonna hit the nick every time I drop

My quadruple fake-out will show up James Willstrop

And Greg Gaultier will be on his knees pleading mercy

  

I’m gonna buy a book and learn all the rules,

Watch You Tube videos from my whirlpool…

  

Chorus:

‘Cause all I wanna be is a big squash pro,

Playing on the glass court wherever I go,

Winning all my matches with grace and ease

Slotting magic winners whenever I please

And I’ll rewrite all the history books

As the greatest ever plus the gorgeous looks

They’ll make a separate wing in the Hall of Fame

The gold statues inside will all bear my name

The whole squash world will dance and rejoice

As the IOC will see no other choice

I’ll be hailed as the hero who made them pick

And squash will forever be Olympic… well

  

Hey, hey I wanna be a Squash Pro

  

I should put down my smoke and get off my ass

And enroll myself into some coaching class

I better start to practice and should learn the grip…

Oh my God! My hamstring! I think it just ripped!

  

Now I don’t think I wanna be a big squash pro

It’s not ‘cause I’m too old, too fat and too slow

I’m sure I could but it wouldn’t be fair

I f I was hitting winners from anywhere

Getting all the girls and making all the cash

Making all today’s stars look just like trash

Showing them up with every ball I hit

Too many of them would prob’ly quit

So I’ll just sit back with cold beer can

And for squash domination I have another plan

To have my name at the top where it should be

I’ll get my son to do the training instead of me….

  

Hey, hey I wanna be a Squash Pro

Hey, hey I wanna be a Squash Pro

 

 

The Squash Poet