SPUTTERING TO THE FINALS

There is an obvious lack of urgency from all the teams as the season winds down. Only four – yes, four – matches were played on Monday (plus 2 matches that were played ahead of time), and only 15 players (out of 64) turned up. Much of that had to do with: a) the perfect weather and b) the golf scramble at Forest Lake. Still, I think four matches is a record low and maybe the bottom three teams have already resigned themselves to the fact that they aren’t going to reach the finals (or don’t want to try…)

Of the 6 results handed in, four of them came from the same two teams. The “Cold Turkeys” and the “Fruit Loops” didn’t play any matches at all, but the “Fruit Loops” are still well within striking distance of 4th placed “Going Bananas”, just 3 points back. Next week is the Independence Day weekend, so the final round is not until July 12. Two weeks to get as many matches done as possible – with last’s night attendance, I now wonder (but am ever hopeful!) if players will take advantage.

Brandon Dobbins (“Pickled Onions”) has taken over as the league’s top point getter with 19. He is currently the only player in the league that has played all six rounds and remained undefeated. Brandon also has 5 out of a possible 6 bonus points as well – a true team player! Only Robert Welch (“Rotten Tomatoes”) and Mike McCuish (“Sour Grapes”) have collected all 6 bonus points.

The deadline to complete all the matches is July 13. Let’s make a worthy effort over the next 2 weeks.

FRUIT LOOPS CLOSING THE GAP

At the end of week 4, the “Fruit Loops” were sitting 13 points back from the last play-off spot with little reason to suggest that was going to change over the final 3 rounds. However, they have now put themselves in serious contention for the finals, hanging just 3 points back of 4th placed “Going Bananas”. The same cannot be said for the last 3 teams although they also inched closer overall to the ladder leaders, but nowhere near enough to be considered a threat (yet?).

The “Pickled Onions” continue to impress with their string of victories. They are miles away from being the team with the most matches played – in fact they have the second lowest percentage with 52% – but they have only lost 3 matches all season. The teams with the highest playing percentage (70%) are 1st and 2nd on the standings, plus they have the most bonus points.

In the battle of the league point leaders after round 4, Tom Bergh (“Going Bananas”) went down to Brian Rosman (“Pickled Onions”) 2-1. Brian is still the league’s top point getter, but he now shares that honor with his team mate Peter Fortune, and “Cold Turkey” Chato Hill. The closest match of the evening came down to the final rally. Taylor Burleson (“Sour Grapes”) beat Maureen D’Avanzo (“Rotten Tomatoes”) 15-14 in the 3rd game to claim the 2-1 victory. This is Taylor’s first win for the season! Well done!

Two rounds to play. Many matches to make up. You better start scrambling…!

“Win-Some-&#%$-Timed-Handicap-Quiz” Team Squash Tournament

Wednesday, July 14
Play starts at 5.30pm.

It is said that physical activity helps and inspires the mind to be more active. It facilitates clearer thinking, which in my mind is saying it makes your smarter (nothing like making an absurd conclusion without the support of any facts what-so-ever). Based on the (incredible, but impressive) running I see on court from our members, I am deducing that you are all utter geniuses and have hyperactive grey matters which push the boundaries of known science. Let’s put my perfectly unflawed theory to the test.

Since you are all masterminds, this will be easy to follow. Firstly, you will be placed on to one of two teams. Then, I will match you up with someone of equal squash ability. If no one of equal squash ability is available, you will be matched up against someone of non-equal squash ability. But then I’ll throw in a handicap. Not make you wear a flippers or anything like that, just a point handicap. Then you will play a match of 20 minutes straight. With no rest. Or time-outs. I’ll keep time for you. Even though you are all super intelligent, I won’t make you count the seconds as you play. (The member who asked me a couple of years ago “how long is 20 minutes” is not allowed to enter. You know who you are. Clearly, you are destructive to my infallible theory.) You will however, need to keep your own score. Then, once all the matches have been played, each team will go off in their groups to complete a quiz. The quiz will be based on your familiarity of the DAC, international squash, and general knowledge. Each question on the quiz will be worth a certain amount of points. So far, so good? Keep in mind that a keg will be available and it is of course encouraged that you do your utmost to empty it. Now, rumors have it that drinking alcohol makes you dumber, but I have yet to prove that theory. (Personally, alcohol makes me stronger, more attractive, braver, which of course would positively influence my intelligence.)

Okay. Then, to calculate the scores, I will discard the highest squash point score on each team, add up the rest, which I will then add to the score of the team quiz. The members of the winning team will then be able to choose their prize from the &#%$ table. I have no idea as of yet what &#%$ will be on that table, I will be making a collection of &#%$ over the next couple of weeks to see what type of &#%$ departments want to get rid of. Never know, it might be nice &#%$.

Registration deadline is Monday, July 12. We need a minimum of 14 players to run this event, so please enter early. There is no entry fee. Another brilliant decision.

THE SQUASH POET

Let me introduce you to “The Squash Poet”. I have been sworn to secrecy, (under threat of a painful and uncomfortable ravaging) as not to reveal The Squash Poet’s identity, so please don’t ask me. For some reason that is still a mystery to me, The Squash Poet would like to post some of his work every now and then to “The Squash Joint” (was the similarity of the titles that attracted?) so I thought why not? I’m good for a laugh. Hope you enjoy!


Squash is the one sport we all love to play
Poetry in motion when done the right way
A swift intense dance chasing a ball
Testing body and mind the challenge enthralls
An addiction to squash; I just have to show it
So I come to you incognito as ‘The Squash Poet”.

From years of my struggles and attempting in vain
To hit a good squash ball again and again
My endeavor to master is a fruitless quest
So I pen from experience and watching the best
With permission from Mick, I hope not to disappoint
When he posts my verses to “The Squash Joint”

If some poems sound familiar don’t be impolite
They’ve been posted on the forum of ‘Squash Site’
Feel free to comment your views will be heard
Remember it’s in fun; it’s not meant to anger
My poems will not win any literature prizes
But they’re ten times better than what my squash game comprises!

The Squash Poet


If I Only Had A Brain
(Sung to the tune of “If I only had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz)

All these matches that I’m losin’
Because of shots I’m choosin’
There’s no one else to blame
I’d be a better fighter
If I only hit it tighter
But I don’t have any brains!

There’s no mystery in the riddle
Why my crosscourts find the middle
My language is profane
The squash ball I can crack it
But it’s straight on to your racquet
Cause I don’t have any brains!

Oh! I’d play like a pro!
The main draws I’d be in
I could swing at balls and pull off a big win
Instead I’d swing… and hit the tin

For my squash pro keeps on messin’
With my footwork in the lesson
But it is all in vain
With technique reconstruction
I also need liposuction
For my great big fat-head brain!

And my fitness is so shocking
So I resort to blocking
To try to win the game
To the ref I am wishin’
He calls strokes because I’m fishin’
Since I don’t have any brains!

Oh! I just want to win!
Get rid of my issues
But God is cruel ‘cause to have fun and amuse
I’ll smell success… and then I’d lose!

All my shots just keep on landin’
At your feet where you’re standin’
I simply can’t explain
How I can play so shoddy
Uncoordinated body
If I only had a brain!

The Squash Poet

'SOUR GRAPES' LOOKING SWEET

Over half way through the season (yes, already!) and the standings are turning out pretty ominous for the bottom four teams. With 13 points separating 4th from 5th and that margin increasing every week, it could be that the final four is already determined. “Sour Grapes” jumped from 4th to 1st, knocking “Pickled Onions” out of that spot for the first time all season, with a strong showing against “Blowing Raspberries” winning 4 of 5 matches and picking up 6 bonus points as well. As revealed on the standings, the top 4 teams also have the most bonus points – a trend that continues to prove itself.

Looking at personal performances, the top 2 point getters are both in the number 8 position. Tom Bergh (“Going Bananas”) and Brian Rosman (“Pickled Onions”) each have 13 points, and the two just happen to playing each other next week. Close on their heels with 12 points is Peter Fortune (“Pickled Onions”) and Anil Kathuria (“Cold Turkeys”) who had his first loss this week against Jason Trombley (“Pickled Onions”).

The bottom four teams need to make a real effort starting yesterday to get back in the hunt for the play-offs. There are 3 rounds left, with a week off due to Independence Day on July 5 so the time is there. It’s just a matter making the most of it.

ROUND 3 GOES TO THE GOLFERS

What better way to spend a perfect weather Monday than on the squash courts… NOT! Unfortunately, every year, one week of the Summer League clashes with the 3B’s golf outing and every year squash loses out. I for one do not understand the attraction. I mean, spending all day in ideal sunny weather, drinking a few brewskis, playing a casual round of golf, enjoying the camaraderie with buddies… it doesn’t make sense! But, each to their own I suppose.

So I commend the 5 matches that actually took place, and the handful of other players who were missing opponents but decided to come down and pick up a game anyway. At least I’m not the only one without friends (just kidding!). The “Sour Grapes” took the hardest hit this week dropping from 2nd to 4th, as they only picked up 5 points since round 2 two weeks ago. “Blowing Raspberries” went one step better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) collecting only three points for the round and dropping to last on the standings; equal on points with the “Rotten Tomatoes”, but with less bonus points.

The “Pickled Onions” maintain their top spot (albeit by the bonus point tie-break) but may have a tough time getting their opponents to turn up next week. The “Cold Turkeys” have the least amount of bonus points in the league and three of their players haven’t played a match yet… time to get going lads!

Believe it or not, time is already running out to get matches in. With only 4 rounds to go, players have until July 13 (inclusive) to complete them.

SQUASH SHOTS V

I am a solid believer that if you cannot laugh at yourself, then you have no right poking fun at others. In this article of “Squash Shots”, I have decided to take this opportunity and place myself in the position of being the punching bag. Nick Matthew became the first Brit since Peter Nicol six years ago to gain the world number one ranking this month, June 2010. In light of his remarkable achievement (given the recent dominance of the Egyptian players), I immediately thought of this photo when Nick was ranked only 6 in the world. Clearly this match inspired him to greater heights (cough, cough).

Look at the photo and answer the following question:
This is…?

A) Me, just about to give Nick Matthew a lesson
B) One of the best players in the world… and Nick Matthew
C) Nick Matthew, 10 minutes before he hits the showers
D) Me, 10 minutes before I hit the defibrillator
E) Me, photo-shopped in the picture to make it look like I’m playing Nick Matthew
F) A lamb to the slaughter
G) The one match Nick Matthew will never forget
H) The one match Nick Matthew will never remember

Answer: C) and D) and F) and H). Motor City Open 2005. With the wild card into the main draw, I had the pleasure of playing Nick Matthew first round. For the record, I did stretch him to 3 games, lost a lung, and can now claim that I have been on court with another world number 1. One year later, I played John White – who also reached world number 1 in his career. I stretched him to 3 games as well, and lost my other lung.

To view the full current world rankings (as of June 2010), you go to : http://www.psa-squash.com/ and click on 'rankings' halfway down the left column.