THE SQUASH POET

Let me introduce you to “The Squash Poet”. I have been sworn to secrecy, (under threat of a painful and uncomfortable ravaging) as not to reveal The Squash Poet’s identity, so please don’t ask me. For some reason that is still a mystery to me, The Squash Poet would like to post some of his work every now and then to “The Squash Joint” (was the similarity of the titles that attracted?) so I thought why not? I’m good for a laugh. Hope you enjoy!


Squash is the one sport we all love to play
Poetry in motion when done the right way
A swift intense dance chasing a ball
Testing body and mind the challenge enthralls
An addiction to squash; I just have to show it
So I come to you incognito as ‘The Squash Poet”.

From years of my struggles and attempting in vain
To hit a good squash ball again and again
My endeavor to master is a fruitless quest
So I pen from experience and watching the best
With permission from Mick, I hope not to disappoint
When he posts my verses to “The Squash Joint”

If some poems sound familiar don’t be impolite
They’ve been posted on the forum of ‘Squash Site’
Feel free to comment your views will be heard
Remember it’s in fun; it’s not meant to anger
My poems will not win any literature prizes
But they’re ten times better than what my squash game comprises!

The Squash Poet


If I Only Had A Brain
(Sung to the tune of “If I only had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz)

All these matches that I’m losin’
Because of shots I’m choosin’
There’s no one else to blame
I’d be a better fighter
If I only hit it tighter
But I don’t have any brains!

There’s no mystery in the riddle
Why my crosscourts find the middle
My language is profane
The squash ball I can crack it
But it’s straight on to your racquet
Cause I don’t have any brains!

Oh! I’d play like a pro!
The main draws I’d be in
I could swing at balls and pull off a big win
Instead I’d swing… and hit the tin

For my squash pro keeps on messin’
With my footwork in the lesson
But it is all in vain
With technique reconstruction
I also need liposuction
For my great big fat-head brain!

And my fitness is so shocking
So I resort to blocking
To try to win the game
To the ref I am wishin’
He calls strokes because I’m fishin’
Since I don’t have any brains!

Oh! I just want to win!
Get rid of my issues
But God is cruel ‘cause to have fun and amuse
I’ll smell success… and then I’d lose!

All my shots just keep on landin’
At your feet where you’re standin’
I simply can’t explain
How I can play so shoddy
Uncoordinated body
If I only had a brain!

The Squash Poet