Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Creatures of the Squash Universe

Life is a never ending evolving entity. New species are being discovered every day. Creatures that are stranger than fiction, their reason for existence one of the mysteries of the universe. Some of these genuses have found their way to the squash courts where their modus operandi is anything but orthodox. After conducting intricate and insightful examinations over the course of my 30 plus year career, the following is a short cross section of my extensive discoveries.

Confusus Identium
Born one way, but has the unparalleled desire to be something else. These intriguing beasts start of life as a pure tennis player or racquetball player or handballer, but are mesmerized and drawn into the world of squash. Many cross over completely to the sport and are never seen again by their original family. Some manage to travel between the worlds but there is no mistaking where their true loyalties lie. They are easily identified as although their hearts are 100% squash, their techniques do not make that same transition and are frequently spotted staring at the front wall during a rally. The transition is rarely seen in the other direction.

Letcallum Perpetuum
Similar to the human condition of “teretts syndrome”, Letcallum Perpetuum cannot help itself but to ask for a ‘let’ at every single opportunity even when interference is non-existent. It is a tactic used to infuriate their prey and as an added defense mechanism, they are not only naturally stubborn, they are also exceedingly well versed in the art form of arguing. With a inherent metabolism to outlast most opponents, long matches are very common. Their major weakness is they do not camouflage themselves well and can be heard before you see them.

Hitballus Standstillum
A peculiar being, Hitballus Standstillum generally has no problem running and moving around the squash court. But in certain situations it has the uncanny ability to freeze and stand completely still after contact forcing their enemy to either run around them and exert energy unnecessarily, or to run into them directly. This, however, is not a good idea, since their secret weapon is that they appear to be able to turn to stone and running into them can cause significant damage to the uninitiated. Nature’s shows it’s full fury when Hitballus Standstillum comes into contact with Letcallum Perpetuum. The two are natural enemies and although the winners of these confrontations vary, the aftermath is always ugly.

Warmupum Champitus
With a bark much, much, worse than its bite, this life form has no actual defense mechanisms so it attempts to scare away their foe before the fight really begins. Frequently seen outside the arena well before schedule to begin a long and rigorous stretching and warm-up ritual, its main aim is to project the atmosphere of supreme fitness and talent. The on-court pre-match warm-up is just as intense as Warmupum Champitus will crack the ball around like world number one, slotting nicks, executing trick shots, and leaping around like they have too much energy and can waste it. However, once the match starts it becomes immediately apparent that they have no idea whatsoever how to play. Their stubbornness in accepting this fact is the only reason these sorry animals haven’t gone instinct. Like weeds, they just keep coming back.

Procrastinatus ad Infinitum
No matter how far in advance you arrange, what day of the week it is, what time in the day it is, and how often you remind them, Procrastinatus ad Infinitum is guaranteed one hundred percent to be late. A wily character, it actually prefers its rivals to spend more and more time organizing and making sure they turn up on time so the level of annoyance increases exponentially when Procrastinatus ad Infinitum keeps them waiting. To make matters worse, this infuriating entity will employ similar tactics between games as well by taking phone calls, going to the restroom, changing out gear, talking with passersby, anything to turn the 90 second between games to as long as possible. Identification is rather simple as this is the one holding the squash racquet outside the court.

Ricochet Pinballii
A truly intriguing critter. With an almost insatiable appetite to hurt itself, Ricochet Pinballii flings itself around the court absent of any conscious thought over its own personal safety. It has mastered the skill of sprinting at break-neck speeds to retrieve any ball but is unfortunately utterly clueless of how to stop without using the solid walls as a mattress. Rumor has it they are invertebrates, and some scientists even suggest they are trying to mimic the characteristics of the squash ball itself. Curiously, though, they do not take too kindly when one whacks them with the racquet. They are generally considered to be pesky little buggers amongst its adversaries as they keep on getting the ball back and don’t tire very easily.

The study is not complete. I will add the rest of the list at a later date. Up until then, I will be lurking in the dark recesses of squash centers all around the galaxy, gathering and analyzing all the strange information, uncovering new and bizarre species and putting my life on the line in the name of science!

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