A FARCE OF OLYMPIC PROPORTIONS

If you haven’t been following squash’s 2020 Olympic bid, let me assure you that it was nothing short of first-class. The squash world came together like never before, everybody pushing together in the same direction with the one goal in mind.

Many celebrities from all over the globe were also behind the endeavor, and it must be mentioned that the effort, time and sacrifice put in by Nicol David – women’s world number 1 from Malaysia – was so commendable as she turned herself into the face of squash and the Olympics, she should be immortalized now in the Squash Hall of Fame. That’s not to diminish other squash stars’ efforts as well: James Willstrop, Ramy Ashour, Mohamed El Shorbagy, Nick Matthew, just to name a few.

However, as I look back at the entire spiel involving the selection of a “new” sport onto the 2020 Olympic agenda, I cannot help but think what a complete insult it was to the above mentioned and a total waste of everybody’s time, energy, and money. I typed “new” in inverted commas because although the IOC’s original aim was to add a new sport to the program, they instead decided to add an old sport back. In fact, the same sport they so unceremoniously voted off just 7 months earlier. Yesterday, the IOC voted to reinstate wrestling, once again leaving squash on the outside looking glumly in.

The impression the IOC have left is one of categorical idiocy. An impression that they had zero intention of voting in any sport other than wrestling. It should not have been voted off in the first place, as there are other Olympic disciplines that deserved the chop (pentathlon for example). If the IOC had issues with the way wrestling was conducting itself, there were other ways to grab its attention to make changes. The path they took instead – by cutting it and then forcing everyone to go through the bid process – was nothing short of criminal. The sports that didn’t get voted in should sue to get their expenses back.

In the end, one may have been led to believe it was a two horse race between wrestling and squash. But in fact it was a 3-horse race. Baseball / softball were also in the mix. (In reality, it wasn’t a race at all.) Over the past number of months I have read a lot of articles and reader’s comments as the voting day approached and baseball / softball rarely got a mention. I didn’t see a huge push by their fans unlike the other two sports that tried to advertise the stuffing out of it. (Most of the reader’s comments were literally wrestling v squash. Intriguingly, squash fans for the most part acknowledged that wrestling should not have been voted off and consider it a reputable Olympic sport. Naturally, they wished for squash to get the vote and it would have been unfortunate at wrestling’s expense, but hey, they only had the IOC to blame. Wrestling fans however, were less sympathetic. They had no problem criticizing squash from being too easy, un-athletic, and it being ridiculous that it was even being considered. They arguments were so far out of left field it was comical. They took it personally that squash was challenging it. Maybe the aggressive nature of the sport creates such personalities?)  You would probably be surprised to know – but then again maybe not! - that when the IOC voted on which 3 sports could bid for the one spot in 2020, squash scraped through that stage by the paint of its racquet frame. Wrestling was elected in immediately after the first round of voting (I smell a conspiracy!), baseball / softball a couple of rounds later, and squash got through in the final round of voting narrowly beating out karate. Not exactly a positive result – or omen.

If hypocrisy was an aroma, the IOC would stench of it. They claim they wanted a “new” sport. They voted in an old one. They claim they want drug free athletes, but not only are current sports on the agenda littered with drug cheats (athletics, cycling, weightlifting, just name a few), two of the three sports that were vying for the final spot have a long history of drug cheats too. Baseball… well we all know about don’t we… and wrestling has had its fair share of users as well. Squash has never had an athlete caught using PED’s. I have never even heard a rumor of a squash player using one either. Squash players have been caught using recreational drugs (marijuana) but that’s hardly the same thing.

Even though baseball / softball seemed to be nowhere near the radar, when the final votes were tallied and wrestling received over 50% of the votes (and therefore automatically won the spot), baseball / softball scored more votes than squash. That’s right, squash came in last – behind a sport that has countless drug cheats and wouldn’t have even sent their best players to participate since the MLB refused to postpone the season during the Games. How is squash supposed to compete fairly within the IOC when the IOC delegates totally ignore everything that is wrong with a sport along with their own criteria when considering who deserves a place at the table?

And corruption? I recently came across an article that placed wrestling in a very unfavorable light. In 2010, an Indian wrestler competing for a gold medal at the World Championships in Russia against a Russian opponent was asked to throw the bout for money. The Indian wrestler refused the offer and went on to win anyway. But where did the offer come from? Who was involved? Is this a common practice in wrestling? Should other results suddenly become under scrutiny? Were there any suspicious major upsets? Did the IOC look seriously into these allegations or did they turn a blind eye? No prize to guess what action they took.

As September 8 neared (the day the IOC voted for a “new” sport), it looked as if a large percentage of squash fans – although loudly still hoping against hope – where resigned to the fact that the battle was all but lost and we were simply going through the motions. Two weeks before the vote, somebody had actually registered the domain name: www.squash2024.com and was selling it on-line. Bids started at 299 Euro. Expensive. The World Squash Federation (WSF) may have to invest and will be forced to go through the entire painstaking process once again. We don’t even know if the Olympics will be looking for a “new” sport in 11 years time. Wow, that’s a long, long time away. How depressing.

THE SQUASH POET #13

We all have fantasies of what it would be like to be the best at something. The good life that goes with it, the adoring fans, the money, the fame. But as we all know, nothing comes easy in life and to be a world dominator, the sacrifice required to get there is too much except for the dedicated few. And, even with such sacrifices, most people still won’t reach that pinnacle of success. In fact since 1998, in the squash world only 11 men have reached world number 1 and since 2001, only 8 women. As fans we only get to see the finished product when we watch them play tournaments, we really do not understand what it takes for them to perform as they do. Nor does the Squash Poet.
 

I know I can, it’s not just a dream

That one day I’ll rule the squash world supreme
I’ll be a legend, earn all the glory
Be so impressive I’ll skip purgatory
The wish is there, I have all the desire
To be synonymous with a squash empire
The love and rewards to be forever on me raining
Now… How do I get there without the training?

The Squash Poet

 

 

I Wanna be a Squash Pro

(Sung to the tune of “Rock Star” by Nickelback.)

I’m through with being a club hack, losing to fat and old men

They run me around ‘til I drop, over and over again

My squash hasn’t turned out quite the way I want it to be

  

I want to hit the nick with an Egyptian flair

Be cool and sexy without messin’ my hair

And beat up on Ramy to be home in time for tea.

  

I’ll need a full time coach – you better make it two

To get my ass in shape, a fitness guru

And for all the luck I need, a top influential high priest

  

I want more World titles than both the Khans

Woo all my girl fans with my manly charms

Have sponsors lined up throwing all their money at me

  

I’m gonna buy a graphite racquet and squash shoes,

And think about cutting down on my booze…

  

Chorus:

‘Cause all I wanna be is a big squash pro,

Playing on the glass court wherever I go,

Winning all my matches with grace and ease

Slotting magic winners whenever I please

And I’ll rewrite all the history books

As the greatest ever plus the gorgeous looks

They’ll make a separate wing in the Hall of Fame

The gold statues inside will all bear my name

…

Hey, hey I wanna be a Squash Pro

Hey, hey I wanna be a Squash Pro

  

I want power like Pilley and be the hardest hitter

Make Nick Matthew look weak ‘cause I’ll be fitter

And Miguel will think he’s slow comparing his speed to me

  

I’ll gonna hit the nick every time I drop

My quadruple fake-out will show up James Willstrop

And Greg Gaultier will be on his knees pleading mercy

  

I’m gonna buy a book and learn all the rules,

Watch You Tube videos from my whirlpool…

  

Chorus:

‘Cause all I wanna be is a big squash pro,

Playing on the glass court wherever I go,

Winning all my matches with grace and ease

Slotting magic winners whenever I please

And I’ll rewrite all the history books

As the greatest ever plus the gorgeous looks

They’ll make a separate wing in the Hall of Fame

The gold statues inside will all bear my name

The whole squash world will dance and rejoice

As the IOC will see no other choice

I’ll be hailed as the hero who made them pick

And squash will forever be Olympic… well

  

Hey, hey I wanna be a Squash Pro

  

I should put down my smoke and get off my ass

And enroll myself into some coaching class

I better start to practice and should learn the grip…

Oh my God! My hamstring! I think it just ripped!

  

Now I don’t think I wanna be a big squash pro

It’s not ‘cause I’m too old, too fat and too slow

I’m sure I could but it wouldn’t be fair

I f I was hitting winners from anywhere

Getting all the girls and making all the cash

Making all today’s stars look just like trash

Showing them up with every ball I hit

Too many of them would prob’ly quit

So I’ll just sit back with cold beer can

And for squash domination I have another plan

To have my name at the top where it should be

I’ll get my son to do the training instead of me….

  

Hey, hey I wanna be a Squash Pro

Hey, hey I wanna be a Squash Pro

 

 

The Squash Poet

CAN WE ACHIEVE A 4-PEAT?

Cross Border Challenge – Saturday, September 14 @ Windsor

“Four in a row”. Has a nice ring to it doesn’t it? Sounds like a dynasty to me… Although it would be uncharted waters for the DAC, it is still a long way off from what the Windsor club handed out to us when they crushed us for 7 in a row from 2006 to 2009. I mention it simply to give us extra motivation to see if we can return the favor.

We do have the experience of winning 4 in a row before – with the Farris Cup. But, as we all know, that can turn around all too quickly and wining any matches at all in that event (let alone the cup itself) has almost become an exercise of futility. But I digress.

We certainly don’t want to go down that path with the Cross Border, and even though we have won the past 3 meetings, the results have been pretty competitive. In other words it hasn’t been easy and we need to keep up the effort. So, if you think you can handle the pressure – put your racquet where your mouth is… well, not literally… yuck.

On Saturday, September 14, we will take our band of merry men and women over to Canada and fight to the death just so I keep a broken racquet nailed to a wooden board with a scratched plaque that declares we are the “Current Champions”. Surely that’s reason enough to put your life on the line? No? How about if I offer you beer as you battle it out? Still not enough? Wow. Tough crowd…

Okay, I’ll take death of the table. Just win your match. Fair? Here is what you need to take careful note of:

• Singles players of ALL levels are welcome. Men and women alike. You will get 1 match, best of 5 games.
• We need 3 doubles teams. Preferably an A, a B, and a C. The doubles will be tough. Windsor is good at it.
• I’ll be working with Graeme Williams (Windsor’s pro) to match you up with a player from Windsor of equal ability to your own. We will do our best. Sometimes, guess work is involved and we may be a little off. If that happens to you, don’t fret. Just drink another beer and be happy!
• Speaking of which, beer will be available. Drink it. It’s free. I may have one too.
• Matches start at 2pm and we’ll go through to about 5pm. Stay as long or as short as you like. The longer you stay the more social you’ll be. Even if you don’t play, you are more than welcome to join us and cheer on our gang. And drink.
• There is NO COST to play this. Unless you consider time equals money. Then it will cost you 3-4 hours.
• Registration deadline is Monday, September 9.

E-mail me your registration. And to quote that famous scribe ‘Nike’, “Just Do It”.

LET ME FIX YOU UP

Doubles Select Tournament – Starts September 3

Here at the DAC, my job description covers a vast area. Being a Squash Pro is sometimes the least of what I do, as often I am morphed into everything from being asked to diagnose an injury (which I’ll always answer – “see a doctor!”), to a socialite, to solving world peace, to figuring out how to fix the Tiger’s bullpen (whenever they need it, which right now they don’t!). I am more than happy to do as much as I can to help (although I am not claiming to be an expert on anything that doesn’t involve a squash racquet), and for this tournament I will be turning into something else: a match-maker. Want a blind date?

With record participation last year (40), we can surely eclipse that again this time around. Especially with the ever increasing numbers. Plus, this is an excellent event for the not-so-experienced doubles players to enter because your “date” will no doubt be someone of a reasonably good standard and it would be an excellent opportunity to learn from them.

The 2012 draw had a lot of close matches and 2013 version should not be any different. If you want to be a part of the competition, play with someone new, be “fixed-up” by me, then all you need to do is e-mail me your entry. You don’t need to find a partner – I will hook you up with your “perfect” match.

It’s simple: All registrations will be ranked. I’ll take the top ranked player and match them up with the lowest ranked player. The second highest ranked player with the second-lowest ranked player… and so forth. We’ll have a bunch of perfectly matched teams! The knock-out draw will be done completely randomly, since in theory, all couples should be equally strong.

Couple of notes:

• Each match will have a deadline for completion. Make sure it is done by then. Failure to do so may result in a forfeit, and we really, really, really, want to avoid them. But we can’t have un-finished matches holding up the event.
• All matches are best of 5 games. That means, the first team to win 3 games wins the match.
• Prize for the winning team. If you want a prize, I suggest you keep winning.
• Safety rules. Call your ‘lets’. No arguing. Be reasonable. No asking for a ‘let’ when you know you would not have reached the ball. Flawless sportsmanship is not just requested, it’s expected.
• Be flexible with your schedule when arranging match times. Everyone else’s calendar is just as important as yours. Limiting your availability to “only on Sundays at 6am” is unreasonable and unfair to your fellow members.
• I can be bought. Cash only in clean, crisp, unmarked bills. J

Registration deadline is Friday, August 30. Enter early so you are not that odd one out in the end. Unless you want to play by yourself. You won’t win if you do that, but you’ll get a workout. Besides, it’s not much of blind date.

LONDON IS CALLING

Nash Cup September 20-22

Who’s with me? Now I know that at least some of our members have expressed interest in this event, and it is about time that we put our money where our mouth is and follow up with actually making the easy 2 hour journey to London, Ontario and play this thing! Remember, this tiny town sends about 25 of their players every year to the DAC Classic, they poach the trophies, empty our kegs, and we absolutely can’t get enough of them… can’t we at least reciprocate just a little?

Here is the guarantee: The squash will be competitive. Tough. Don’t enter expecting an easy ride to the finals. You won’t get it. This event will attract players from as far as Toronto. Keep in mind, this is a singles event only, no doubles. The squash will be played in more than one club, but not too worry, they are all in close proximity to each other. London is not very big.

Here is another guarantee: You will have fun. The London Squash Racquets Club is constructed for socializing. It is a squash club. Not a fitness club with squash courts added on, but a squash club with a bar. A bar that never seems to stop serving whatever beverage that takes your fancy. It is not a big club. It is not the DAC. (But then, what is?!) It is a cozy, relaxing key club with 4 singles courts (and 1 doubles). The members could not be friendlier (except for Srini, he’s rude and needs to smile more.) It is encouraged that you play hard and party harder. Put your feet up, and put a drink in your hand.

What is also cool about this event is that they run a professional draw as well. As an added bonus and for the first time, they will be hosting a women’s pro draw along with the men’s. The pros will start their playing week early. By the time the Friday comes around (September 20), they will be ready for the men’s pro semi finals and the women’s final. The men’s final will be played on the Saturday. All entrants are allowed to watch as part of their entry fee. The men’s draw will feature players in the PSA top 50, the smaller women’s draw, top 100. Either way, it will be great squash – that’s another guarantee.

So, here are your playing options. You can enter one category only:

1. Open. If you can compete with me, enter this one.
2. Men’s A. If you can compete with Pablo (our club numero uno), enter this one.
3. Men’s B. If you are a 4.5 – 5.0+, enter here,
4. Men’s C. If you are a 3.5 – 4.4, this is your domain.
5. Men’s D. If you are 3.4 or below, you belong here.
6. 40+. If you are aged over 40, you can enter here. I’ll play the Open, not this one.
7. 50+. If you are over 50, you’re really old... J And you can play this one.
8. Women’s A. If you are female, and can play with Pablo, enter here.
9. Women’s B. 4.5 – 5.0+.
10. Women’s C. 3.5 – 4.4.
11. Women’s D. 3.4 and below.

Entry fee is $70 CAD + tax. Meals, tournament souvenir included. 2 match minimum. To register, you will need to contact the London Squash Pro Dave Morrish. He may be difficult to understand because he’s from England. But he’s a very nice fellow. Call Dave – 519-433-0691.

As far as accommodation goes, there is a tournament hotel but book early. I believe there is a concert in town the same weekend, and hotels are filling fast. Talk to Dave Morrish about hotels and special tournament rates. I booked into a hotel about a mile from the club and even closer to the downtown bars.

So, are you with me?

GENERAL PATTON… AND SQUASH?

Yes, the General George Patton. Or Patton(s). The one(s) that commanded the US armies. Firstly, I will be the first to admit that outside of recognizing the name, I know virtually nothing about the fellow(s). Nor do I know much about the wars they were involved in. Growing up Aussie, American war history was not on our school curriculums. Or, if it was, I didn’t pay any attention.

Secondly, I found it rather stunning (and fascinating) that someone of such stature and power actually found the time to play squash. I suppose it shouldn’t shock me that much, squash is a very intense sport and has been referred to many times as ‘gladiatorial’, and the players as ‘warriors’. War-like in a sense.

Thanks to member Jerry Solomon, he was kind enough to pass on an excerpt from a book he was reading, “Growing Up Patton”. The book covers the interactions between the two General George Pattons as father and son over their commanding years. (At the time, George Jr. was not yet a general, but simply a recruit). Check out the second paragraph. General Patton Sr. sees fit to pass on some very sound squash advice. Remember, this is dated April of 1944 and is in the midst of WWII – in the last 70 years or so, these fundamentals have held true.

So, next time you think that I am sounding like a nagging wife when I tell you how to hold the racquet, watch the ball, get side on, just keep in mind that one your finest military heroes agrees with me! Now, get back to the ‘T’, drop and give me 20!

AND THE WINNER IS…

Summer League final~~

It was close. Very close. Only one point separated the two teams. And it wasn’t decided on bonus points since both teams picked up 7. That’s the good news. The bad news is that not all 10 matches could be played. Nine of them were, and the tenth… well we would have to wait a couple of weeks for that to happen and it’s not fair to let everyone wait so long. So it was scrapped.

Tom Pierce and Joe Danley

It was a fitting finish to the season between two squads that deserved to be in final in regards to turning up and playing their matches all summer. Of the 9 contests, only 2 of them resulted in a 3-0 score, each team winning one of them, essentially cancelling the other out. For the most part, you could be excused for feeling a strong sense of déjà vu because when “Scuttlebutts” and “Naval Fluff” butted heads in round 5, seven of the results ended up exactly the same as what they did for the final.

Joe Danley (“Naval Fluff”) was one the 3-0 winners as he managed to keep his nose just in front of Tom Pierce (“Scuttlebutts”) for the first 2 games taking them 15-12 before controlling more of the third for an easier 15-8 victory. That score was quickly nullified by Mike Rock (“Scuttlebutts”) who has now won 9 of his past 10 recorded matches as he dispatched Andrew Tignanelli (“Naval Fluff”) 3-0, his third consecutive win over him.

Peter Ulbrich and Brian Bartes

“Scuttlebutts” next win came at the hands of Brian Bartes, although it was a comeback effort. Peter Ulbrich played a strong first game, controlling the ‘T’ and keeping Brian deep and he took the set 15-13. Brian steadied his game and started to move the ball more effectively, slowly gaining the momentum. He won the second 15-10 which looked closer than what the score suggests, but certainly had the upper hand in the 3^rd game taking it 15-8 for the 2-1 victory. Again, cancelling out the result, “Naval Fluff’s” Chris Tipton had just enough shots in the bag to keep Chato Hill at bay with his 2-1 triumph.

As the scores came in, each 2-1 win for one team was quickly quashed with a 2-1 win for the other. Eventually though, with an odd number of matches to be played, it would come down to the final match: Justin Jacobs (“Scuttlebutts”) v Jerry Rock (“Naval Fluff”). Little did the pair know when they played early in the morning on Tuesday, they were in fact the deciding result. Keeping up appearances, it was also a 2-1 score line.

And did the whole season end up being determined on a couple of lucky bounces? Point in case was the end of game one. 14-all, Justin serving… into the nick! Game to “Scuttlebutts”. Game 2 goes to the veteran, as Jerry pulls off a comfortable victory. Score tied 1-1. Game 3. 14-13. Justin serving again… and repeating his first game fortunes… into the nick! The 2-1 victory gave "Scuttlebutts” the narrowest of winning margins. They take the summer league final 21-20. Congratulations!

Another season goes into the history books. But, believe it or not, we are only 5-6 weeks away from September and the 2013-2014 chapter. That’s plenty of time to fine tune your game and hit the ground running. Keep your eyes and ears open for the Boasters League registration, join the box ladders, and start swinging away.

ANOTHER BONUS POINT TIE-BREAK

Summer League semi finals~~

Scuttlebutts v Loose Cannons:

“Revenge is a dish best served cold.” I don’t know who said that originally, and it does refer to cold blooded vengeance, so the “Scuttlebutts” are quietly smirking in their knowledge of righting a past wrong when the “Loose Cannons” beat up on them in round 2. No blood was spilled (thankfully), but I’m sure a few tears escaped.

So who from the “Scuttlebutts” stepped up when it counted and turned the tables on a previous defeat? Well it wasn’t Brian Bartes. I’m not picking on Brian here; he has improved steadily and continuously this season and has nothing to be upset about. But this won’t be news to him – or his opponent Anil Kathuria – when I say Brian had the match by the short and curlies and should have taken the 2-1 win. He lost 2-1 in round 2, and after splitting the first games here, had Anil 14-8 in the 3^rd. That’s 7 match-balls. Suddenly, Anil found the ideal length and had Brian scrambling around in the back corners. The unlikely comeback was completed with a low backhand semi-lucky kill shot that was barely out of Brian’s reach. It was certainly the one that got away but in the end, although Brian would be kicking himself, he had the last laugh.

Who did change their fortunes was Julie VandeVusse. Julie lost to Mike Cooney in their first meeting 3-0, but with a summer league season behind her, she has started to find her rhythm. Her 2-1 win was a huge help for the “Scuttlebutts”. Also making up for a past defeat was Dave Morrison. He felt the bulldozer effect from Tom MacEachern in round 2 as he went down 2-1, but his experience showed up for the semi finals and he wasn’t about to fall victim to him twice. A smarter game, better length, and it paid off with a 3-0 win.

With a 2-1 victory to Steve Murphy who had to play a sub because Chris Moyer has regrettably left our sunny Michigan shores and followed in Ken MacDonald’s footsteps to the fantasy world of “Denver”, and 3-0 wins to Justin Jacobs and Mike Rock, the “Scuttlebutts” had an unconquerable lead with one match to play. That match was still completed however, and they won that too. Final score: 25-18.

Naval Fluff v Get Some and Flop Some:

This was closer than it should have been. “Get Some and Flop Some” did themselves zero favors with only 4 bonus points for the evening, plus two no-shows. (We won’t mention names, they know who they are.) However, on a positive note, of the 4 matches that played on Monday, they won three of them 3-0 which made up for their shortcomings.

Jerry Rock (“Naval Fluff”) reversed his 2-1 loss to Paul Flanagan a week earlier with a 2-1 win this time around, and Mike McCuish also took a 2-1 victory for the team. With 3 three matches left to play on the Tuesday, and although Naval Fluff had 4 wins to 3, plus 7 bonus points, they only held a slim 2 point margin.

That margin evaporated when Jay Bonahoom blanked Andrew Tigananelli 3-0. Suddenly, “Get Some and Flop Some” had a 1 point advantage with two matches left. “Naval Fluff” evened it up in the next contest with Bruce Vande Vusse repeating his result from round 7, taking Tom Fabbri 2-1. The final match was for all the cookies. The score stood at 19-19. However, unforeseen circumstances would not see this ‘winner-take-all’ bout and it would have to be nullified. Because of “Get Some and Flop Some” poor bonus point showing, “Naval Fluff” held the tie break and advance to the final.

So we have “Scuttlebutts” v “Naval Fluff” for summer league glory. These 2 teams played in round 5 with “Scuttlebutts” coming out on top 20-14. But only 2 results were 3-0, and 7 of them were a close 2-1. (One didn’t play.) And “Naval Fluff” only picked up 2 bonus points that day. This could be a very close final. Will bonus points once again be the deciding factor? Better turn up!

RUSHING TO WIN

Race Against the Clock Tournament – Aug 9

From 0 to 200. That is what your heart rate will have to do in order to be successful with this event. (Actually, if your heart rate is 0, then don’t bother entering, you may find it difficult to get going.) We ran this event last year as Ken MacDonald’s swan song. (Remember him? He decided to take his talents to Denver…) We had 25 registrations then, and it would be just swell if we could get similar numbers this year. I would love to tell you that Ken will be making a special trip to Detroit just to play and reminisce about old times showing us what he’s learnt on the squash court at the Denver Athletic Club, but I can’t.

However, we can pretend he is here and honor him anyway. The matches will be just like last year: Very short and will vary between 3 and 7 minutes in duration. The actual format will depend on how many registrations there are. Handicaps may be issued. Basically, because of the time restriction, you will need to play flat-out from the first hit to the last. You will not have time to work yourself into the match, or wear your opponent down. Win as many points as fast as you can, that means you should be taking a few extra risks!

As usual, beverages will be available. You do not have to drink that as fast as you can, it would probably be better if you paced yourself instead. I really don’t want anyone going from 0 to 200 here.

The tournament will get under way at 5pm. We will only be using the 2 downstairs courts. Registration deadline is August 5.

SCUTTLEBUTTS CLAIM TOP SPOT

Summer League final round~~  

It was probably the most active week I have seen for the final round of the summer league in regards to getting matches played. A great effort was made by most teams to squeeze into the finals, but unfortunately some of them left their run too late.

Even “Beer Ahoy!” put up a gallant attempt to close the very unlikely gap as they picked up 26 points over the last 7 days – third most overall – and they collect 8 bonus points as well which was 3 more than their previous best. It didn’t help them at the end, they still finished 7^th, but at least it looks more respectable. 

The most active team for the week was “Scuttlebutts”. A 33 point week, they overcame an 11 point deficit to the league leaders “Naval Fluff” last week to leapfrog from 3^rd to 1^st. “Loose Cannons” did just enough to stave off the challengers from underneath - “Lunge-Lob Split-Pants” and “Bermuda Try Angles” - to claim the last finals berth. 

I like to go through the season statistics as often they tell the story of why the standings ended up as they did…

• 71% of matches overall were played. That’s down from last year’s record of 76%
• “Scuttlebutts” played the most matches with 83%. No surprise there.
• “Off the Radar” did not have the lowest match playing percentage, however. They had 66%, good for equal 5th overall. They did, on the other hand, have the lowest winning percentage by a wide margin with only 28%. 
• “Lunge-Lob Split-Pants” played the least amount of matches with 59%. They finished 5^th because they had the highest winning percentage of any team with 63%. Not helping their cause, along with “Off the Radar”, they collected the least amount of bonus points – 25.
• “Naval Fluff” had the most bonus points with 39. The next best was 31.
• The bottom 4 teams collected the least amount of bonus points. Once again, this statistic holds true.
• Not one single player picked up all 7 bonus points.
• Six teams broke the 100 point barrier this season. That’s three more than last year, but don’t forget the league was 25% larger with 80 players – a record.
• Joe Danley (“Naval Fluff”) scored the most points overall with 23. Next best was 20 points. 
• 15 players played all of their matches. 4 of those came from “Scuttlebutts”.  Only Joe Danley (“Naval Fluff”) and Jeff Jardine (“Scuttlebutts”) were undefeated as well.
• “Bermuda Try Angles” was the only team that didn’t have a player complete all 7 matches. However, they were the only team were every player picked up at least 1 bonus point.
• “Beer Ahoy!” did not have any players turn up for round 5.
• Still picking on “Beer Ahoy!” 3 of their 10 players counted for 56% of their team’s total. The team picked up 20% of their total in the final round.
• The most any team scored any round was “Naval Fluff” with 26 in round 2. The lowest weekly total was 6 – which was achieved by “Off the Radar” in round 3 and “Bermuda Try Angles” in round 5.

The semi finals next Monday now come down to a head-to-head battle. If we look at those results from over the season, we can predict likely winners, but as we all know nobody wins on paper. Teams still have to go out and perform. “Naval Fluff” and “Get Some and Flop Some” just happened to play each other 2 days ago in the final round with “Get Some and Flop Some” taking the honors comfortably 21-14 and that’s with less bonus points. It seems “Naval Fluff” will have their work cut out for them. 

The other semi final pits “Scuttlebutts” and “Loose Cannons” against each other. They played in round 2, and you may be surprised to know that “Loose Cannons” won the day 24-19, again with less bonus points. All 10 matches were completed, 8 of them ended up 2-1 so it was competitive, and nobody should be surprised if the result did in fact reverse itself. But again, you have to perform when it counts…

THE INCREDI-BALLS - TAKE 7

Fit for a Hollywood Comedy

Real life is often stranger than fiction. You just can’t make this stuff up. This is about the 32^nd Pakistan National Games recently held from June 28 – July 4 this year. It is supposed to be held every two years, is comprised of a multitude of sports (including squash – which we will get to later on), and is organized by the Pakistan Olympic Committee (POA), the hosting province, and the Pakistan Sports Board (PSB). The always reliable, never deniable Wikipedia lists that since 1998, the games have been held every three years, and since 1956, the Pakistan Army has ended up on top of the medal count.



A 2013 logo from the Games



A 2012 logo
from the Games



I will try to explain this as clearly as possible… Evidently, the 32^nd Pakistan Games had already been held: in December of 2012, but for some reason they were held again in June-July 2013. The organization committees for the 2013 version involved the PSB and an unrecognized interim committee of the POA - and both were actually warned not to use the title “32^nd National Games” by a justice of the high court and from the International Olympic Committee (IOC), but they chose to ignore all warnings and go ahead anyway. It seems that three POA affiliated units (or teams) did not take part in the 2012 games, so somewhere along the line it was decided to run the thing again. One of the missing teams was the Pakistan Army. Even more strangely, the PSB issued 1.3m dollars to run the new Games, where it only issued about $200,000 for the original one. The PSB director that issued the enormous grant also was a part of the new Games organization committee. Does anyone else smell a rat? On June 29, the day the Games started, the POA was finally forced to change the name of the Games to “National Games 2013”. The event finished on July 4^th.

So, a whole lot of money was spent on a sporting event that was conjured up last minute and in reality was done to appease the 3 original missing entrants. It would be like running your own club championships after the fact because you failed to turn up to the real one. The absurdities don’t stop there. From reading articles about this “mock” event, the organization of the ‘new’ Games was so incompetent it was bizarre. I was shaking my head so much, I have whip lash. If even half of what is listed below is true, it is ripe for a Hollywood (or Bollywood?) movie:

• The majority of the events on day one of the Games could not take place because the organizers failed to pay the respective federations for the use of their facilities.
• There was no drinking water for the athletes. Temperatures at the Games were 100 degrees +.
• Organizers chose venues that were very far apart from one another and it was extremely difficult for journalists to gather information and results from events.
• The bathrooms were filthy. Which, in the excessive heat, must have smelled rather peachy.
• Organizers were often MIA. They were not reachable even by cell phone. There was nobody to guide the athletes and the guests, and a schedule of events was missing.
• The Pakistan Squash Federation demanded $5000 from the organizers for the use of their facilities, but was only promised half of that. Consequently, they turned off the air conditioning for the event. Temperatures outside the venue reached 116 degrees. Reportedly, many players were almost passing out even before their matches started.
• The Pakistan Army won the medal count of the ‘new’ Games with 115 gold medals. The second placed team had 39.
• Three teams did not participate in the ‘new’ Games.
• Since the interim committee of the POA is unrecognized, the IOC warned them not to use or display Olympic properties (e.g. the Olympic rings). It was ignored. The IOC is now threatening to ban Pakistan from the Olympics.
• Athletes were promised a daily allowance of 10 dollars a day for 12 days to cover things like meals. Not only were they underpaid, they only received 9 days of allowance – totaling $45.
• Organizers were seen showering themselves and friends in opulence with luxury transport vehicles and extravagant meals.
• The organization committee was too busy praising themselves for a job well done rather than fixing all the complaints and issues. Nice.
• Security was very lax. There was hardly any checking on any of the spectators entering the venue. Luckily there were no major incidents.

The list goes on. One wonders how anything can reach this level of ridiculousness. Which brings me to the squash event and actually the reason I found out about these Games in the first place. An article caught me eye titled “Players Reportedly Attack Ref…” so I immediately clicked into it. It describes an incident that occurred during the Games in the semi-final of the squash tournament. One of the players, Mansoor Zaman, was so incensed by a decision of the referee, he couldn’t help but verbally abuse the poor fellow. The referee then warned him which had zero affect – the abuse continued – and was left with no alternative but to award the game to his opponent. On leaving the court, the abuse still continued. The referee then did the right thing – he awarded a conduct match against Zaman.

Then it got interesting. Along with his brother, Zaman attempted to do what every other normal person would do under these circumstances: beat up the ref. I mean, why wouldn’t you? Makes perfect sense, right? Saving the day, in steps the Zaman brothers’ father and the head-tournament-referee to calm the situation, and rescue the ref from a certain trip to the hospital.

But that wasn’t the end of it either. Zaman’s father then somehow convinced the head-tournament-referee that the conduct match be nullified and they should start over. From scratch. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for that conversation, justifying the reason for a redo. So they played again and Zaman ended up winning. Are you kidding me??? You just can’t make this stuff up.

Maybe this should be an episode on “Ripley’s Believe it or Not”. It is painfully obvious that Pakistan Sport has a myriad of issues to deal with. Ineptitude across the board and up and down all associations and committees involved seems to be a good place to start. Who knows if it is at all fixable.

Squash is just another victim of the Pakistan Sports World. It is also a politically unsafe country for foreigners and because of that, the Professional Squash Association (PSA) has banned its (non-Pakistan) players from playing there. Until recently, the PSA have allowed Pakistan to host world ranking squash events anyway, but only up to $10,000 in prize money – and a short time ago that was increased to $25,000. The ban, however, is still in place. So should a country be allowed to host events of reasonably large prize money and world ranking points, but only allow locals to enter? If Pakistan hosts enough of them, a handful of Pakistan players would be able to climb the world rankings without having to play any foreigners. Would this not skew the rankings and is this fair to everyone else?

In completely unrelated news, Pakistan has been awarded the rights to host 2015 Squash World Cup.

…say what?

FINALS SPOTS UP FOR GRABS

Summer League round 6~~

Seven days and counting. That’s all you have left to get your matches in. Throw in the Independence Day weekend where many of you will be away, it should make for an interesting scramble for the play-offs. Four teams will advance and by the looks of things, “Naval Fluff” should be safe to make it through, but from 2^nd to 6^th it’s anybody’s guess.

I think we can safely eliminate “Beer Ahoy!” and “Off the Radar” from finals contention, they have left it too little too late and never really got going anyway. For the entire season, neither of the two teams reached any higher than 6^th place on the standings. Playing catch-up simply doesn’t work.

Best mover of the week goes to “Get Some and Flop Some” who jumped from 5^th to 2^nd. Biggest dropper of the week is “Lunge-Lob Split-Pants” who swapped places with them. The point difference is minimal however, it will all come down to the final week of play – who is around this holiday weekend, and who is willing to sacrifice some time to get on court…



Matt Hayduk

A couple of tight matches last night worth mentioning: Matt Hayduk (“Beer Ahoy!”) was very pleased with his game last night against Mike McCuish (“Naval Fluff”) as he took him 2-1, but a lot of that can be attributed to the racquet he used. Rather than swinging his 1986 Prince Extender, he decided to borrow his Dad’s new 2013 Grays racquet… and what a difference it was! Power. Accuracy. Lightness. Good Squash. Matt was rather surprised – as was Mike! Should I put one of them aside for you, Matt?

Andy Combs (“Bermuda Try Angles”) picked up his second win of the season with a 2-1 victory over Tom Bergh (“Off the Radar”) which is only Tom’s second loss. Joe Danley (“Naval Fluff”) remains undefeated and is now 6 for 6 after his 3-0 win over Joe Paglino (“Beer Ahoy!”) 3-0. It was Joe P’s first loss.

As it comes down to the final week of play, keep in mind that bonus points may play a big part of who advances to the finals. If teams are tied, then bonus points will be the decider. That actually places “Bermuda Try Angles” in the least favorable position as they have the least amount of bonus points from teams ranked 2-6. “Loose Cannons” hold the tie-break right now (if it came down to that), but only by one. If bonus points are also tied, then the head-to-head matchup of the two teams during the season will decide who advances.

OVER THE HALF-WAY MARK

Summer League round 4~~

Can you believe it? The Summer League is already on the downhill run. Four rounds in, and three to go. The good news is that 6 teams are still very much in the hunt to make the final four. The bad news is that two teams appear to have forgotten the league is running at all.

“Beer Ahoy!” and “Off The Radar” are falling further and further behind as the weeks go by. They are now both over 25 points outside the last play-off position. In fact, “Off The Radar” didn’t play any make up matches last week, and only scored 3 points last night, and are averaging only 7½ points a week. They also have the lowest amount of bonus points overall (12). No prizes for guessing which team has the most. As you can see the rest of the teams are bunched up rather tightly. Only 7 points separate 2^nd from 6^th and a couple of matches could make all the difference… or bonus points…?

Highlighting some of the action yesterday, nothing stands out more than Jerry Solomon (“Bermuda Try Angles”). He gets a special mention here as somebody who literally put his body on the line – the red line on the tin that is. Late in the third game against Tom Pierce (“Scuttlebutts”), Jerry (accidently) launched himself face first into the tin. It was a messy consequence which resulted in a quick trip to the hospital for some stitches to the cut on his forehead. To make matters worse, Jerry lost that rally. But, he did take the match since he had won the first 2 games anyway. Jerry is well on the way to a full recovery – his head will heal fine, although he may wear the war wound for a while – however he will be taking a few weeks off for the sprained knee he suffered from the fall. We hope to see him back on court soon!

In a less bloody contest, Tom MacEachern (“Loose Cannons”) is trying his utmost to make the most out of each match. Since league matches are only 3 games without a tie-break, Tom is deciding to play every single point available. Last week, he played Tom Fabbri (“Get Some and Flop Some”) and won 2-1 with each game going 15-14. This week he played Tom Healy (“Beer Ahoy!”) and almost did exactly the same thing. He won 2-1, the first 2 going 15-14. Must be something in the name “Tom”.

Other close contests saw Ben Stone (“Get Some and Flop Some”) score a 2-1 victory over Allie Penz (“Off The Radar”), Brian Bartes (“Scuttlebutts”) picked up his second win of the season with a solid 2-1 win over Chuck Doyle (“Bermuda Try Angles”), and Bruce VandeVusse (“Naval Fluff”) scored his 3^rd 2-1 win of the summer and thereby handing Josh Slominski (“Lunge-Lob Split-Pants”) his first loss.

Time is running short – quickly. Players have until July 9 (inclusive) to complete all the matches. That’s 3 weeks. Better get swinging.

THINK YOU KNOW SQUASH?

Timed-Handicap-Quiz Team Squash Tournament – July 10

Are you a true student of the game? You may think you practice a lot, groove your swing, take those lessons and mold your game into a successful style, but do you really know the sport? Can you name anyone in the world’s top 10? Who won last year’s World Open? Or how high is the tin? (In my case, it’s always one inch too high!). You’re probably thinking why you should know this stuff. How will such information make me a better squash player?

Well, it probably won’t. But it will help you win the Timed-Handicap-Quiz Team Squash Tournament that is scheduled for Wednesday, July 10. Because, not only will you have to perform on the squash court, you are going to have to perform off it as well. No, no, I am not looking for any song and dance routines (although it would be entertaining), the performance I will be after is all about your brain power. Specifically, your know-how of the DAC, international squash, and general knowledge.

If you are up for the unique challenge, here is how the tournament works: Firstly, I will place you onto one of two teams. To get the gray matter warmed up, you will play one match of 20 minutes straight. No rest. No water breaks. Just flat-out for 1200 seconds. Every point counts. Your task is simply to score more points than your opponent. I will do my best to match you up with someone of your level, but if that isn’t possible, I will be handing out handicaps to even it up. To get the gray matter more loosened up, beer will be available too. Be aware though, that too much of it will turn the gray matter into gray mush.

Secondly, once the matches are complete, the two teams will get together and complete a quiz. Each question is worth a few points. The quiz shouldn’t take longer than 10-15 minutes. Electronic devices will be banned from this part of the tournament. Googling answers will be strictly forbidden!! Guessing answers will not. I expect some that…

Thirdly, to finalize the team scores, I will discard the highest point getter from the squash scores, add the rest, and then add it to the quiz score. The team with the highest total wins! Members of that team will be able to win a prize.

Registration deadline is Friday July 5. We need at least 14 people to run the event. Matches start at 5pm, and depending on how many entries we get it should take about 2 -2 ½ hours. Click on the above poster for all the details.